Does my voice sound strange? I am sitting
On a flat-roofed beach house watching lorikeets
Flip among the scribble-gums and banksias.
When I sat here last I was writing my Exequy,
Yet your death seems hardly further off. The wards
Of the world have none of the authority of an end.
If I wish to speak to you I shouldn't use verse:
Instead, our quarrel-words, those blisters between
Silences in the kitchen - your plainly brave
Assertion that life is improperly poisoned where
It should be hale: love, choice, the lasting
Of pleasure in days composed of chosen company,
Or, candidly, shitty luck in the people we cling to.
Bad luck lasts. I have it now as I suppose I had it
All along. I can make words baroque but not here.
Last evening I saw from the top of Mount Tinbeerwah
(How you would have hated that name if you'd heard it)
A plain of lakes and clearances and blue-green rinses,
Which spoke to me of Rubens in the National Gallery
Or even Patinir. The eyes that see into Australia
Are, after all, European eyes, even those Nationalist
Firing slits, or the big money pools of subsidized
Painters. It's odd that my desire to talk to you
Should be so heart-rending in this gratuitous exile.
You believed in my talent - at least, that I had as much
As anyone of a commodity you thought puerile
Beside the pain of prose. We exchanged so few letters
Being together so much. We both knew Chekhov on marriage.
The unforgivable words are somewhere in a frozen space
Of limbo. I will swallow all of them in penance.
That's a grovel. Better to entertain your lover with sketches
And gossip in a letter and be ever-ripe for death.
You loved Carrington as you could never love yourself.
I think I am coming within earshot. Each night
I dream comic improvements on death - 'Still alive
In Catatonia', but that's no laughing matter!
Perhaps I had Australia in me and you thought
Its dreadful health was your appointed accuser -
The Adversary assumes strange shapes and accents.
And I know, squinting at a meat-eating bird
Attempting an approach to a tit-bit close to me,
That our predatoriness is shut down only by death,
And that there are no second chances in a universe
Which must get on with the business of living,
With only children for friends and memories of love.
But you are luckier than me, not having to shine
When you are called to the party of the world. The betrayals
Are garrulous and here comes death as talkative as ever.